I have been learning lately that I don’t always like listening to the Lord. Something wonderful happened and I wanted to keep it to myself. I didn’t want to put myself out there and share about it.
When I did listen to the Lord — and obey — I shared our exciting news. There were still some that did not share our excitement, but the love and support from the rest made up for it. Then the wonderful was taken away.
I was mad at the Lord. “I finally did what You told me to and you did this?!?!” The wonderful was a new baby on the way and days after I shared with friends and family, I miscarried.
I was reluctant to share about the pregnancy because the last had ended with a miscarriage. Now it was happening again. I dreaded the “untelling”, the uncomfortable feelings from friends who just don’t know what to say. But, this time, there was no uncomfortable. Instead, I had the love and prayers of many to carry me.
Physically, I knew what to expect – though this was rougher than the previous time. Emotionally, I just “turned it off”. Or tried to. Then I was a mess and I really felt those prayers. When I was feeling low, I would get a message or call from someone letting me know they were praying and asking how I was doing.
If I had not shared in the first place (disobeyed the Lord), I would not be reaping the blessing of those prayers. I did not want to tell about the pregnancy yet because I was afraid I would miscarry again. The Lord told me to tell because I would miscarry again.
How many times do we put off doing what He is telling us because it might be uncomfortable? — only to be missing out on a wonderful blessing. I know life is better listening to Him, but sometimes it is still so difficult. Is my faith that weak?
It is easy to have faith when things are sunny. I have been driving somewhere and get stuck behind slow traffic. “It’s for a reason.” “The Lord might be keeping me out of an accident” and other thoughts.
I don’t have much worry and stress when we face unemployment. I have seen time and again how He carries us. I look forward to the extra time of Daddy being home.
Facing things we don’t want to and applying that same faith? That’s not so easy. I have always loved babies. I always knew I wanted “a large family”. My husband felt the same, and as we married we found ourselves growing our family right away. When asked how many children we planned to have, we would answer “as many as we are blessed with”.
We have six blessings, each 18-24 months apart. Once the baby weaned and was getting bigger, a new one was on the way. That is until now. When the baby reached 15 months I was expecting to fall pregnant at any time. When he turned 18 months, I finally was. Then, we experienced our first miscarriage.
We were heartbroken, but realized how blessed we had been for this to be the first. We continued on as we always had – not trying or planning just expecting a blessing when the Lord gave it. But it wasn’t happening. I was getting close to 40 and beginning to experience the joys of perimenopause. I thought the Lord was punishing me. With this most recent miscarriage, I have struggled with this again. “I’m not a good enough mom, so He won’t give us any more children.” Crazy talk straight from the enemy of my soul – not from the One who loves me. I’m trying to strengthen my faith and listen to Him more.
It’s easy to have faith and accept what the Lord gives you when it is what you want. What I wanted was more babies, but he wasn’t giving them. I know some families who also feel the Lord is in charge with the size of their family. I have read about some having a hard time with adding another – still believing it is the Lord’s will, but finding the joy is difficult.
I wasn’t prepared to not be having all the babies I wanted. The weary mamas that keep getting pregnant think I’m crazy for entering my 40s still wanting more. I know of couples that suffer with infertility. They didn’t understand how I could be upset when we have six children. The problem is not my wanting more children, but in not being content. That is something many can relate to.
Trusting the Lord with your family size is not only accepting each baby as the blessing it is. It also means to accept when there is no baby on the way. Accepting and having faith that the Lord has a plan and that this is it. We don’t see what blessing will come of it. We just need to have faith that it is His plan and it is good.